:: ayu ::

Simple but happy day for me~

2006-07-25T20:42:00.000+08:00

Here I am at my work place on the second day of work. Listening to the songs I have in my thumb drive. I’ve already completed two tasks at the moment. Nothing much left to be done. Just waiting for my Manager from US to reply the e-mails. Some of my accounts are not up yet and I do not have the access level to the files at the moment. They are setting my accounts though. So far I have my e-mail address under the company name. They ordered for me a laptop which will be arriving tomorrow. They’ll set everything up for me… that’s what they told me.

Ah… finally she replied. I think she is checking my assignment as I type this. In the office at the moment: from my department only me and the other department a few other people. My working hours is rather different though, 12pm to 930pm. So simply saying I do not have a chance to visit the shopping malls that are usually open from 11am to 10pm. Most of my upcoming weekends are already filled up. But I like it though, other people go for lunch then I arrive at work. I’m planning to fill up the mornings as well so I can kill two birds with one stone. That will depend on the workload though. I’ll see how it goes.

Despite this, I am happy at the moment not just because of the friendly colleagues I have, the private desk I am assigned to but also because of the great people in my life. I guess it is true for a simple person like me; simple things in life will make me smile. One of the simple yet happy days for me~ Okay, that’s all from me at the moment. Have a good evening. Bubbye~

Racial Harmony @ Taman Warisan

2006-07-23T16:15:00.000+08:00

Harlow~ Alright... i just gt back from the Racial Harmony Celebration at Taman Warisan (Malay Heritage Centre). There were station games such as "kuti-kuti", capteh, five stones, congkak and etc.

To my embarassment, I didnt know how to play Congkak. I did play it a few times on my Nokia phone before but never on a real congkak. Today was the first day I learnt how to play Congkak and I found out that it is rather interesting coz it helps u relax in a way. Simple yet fun. Now I like to play congkak. He..he.. just like five stones... sometimes u just dun get enough of it. It the simple things in life that we should cherish. Thanks to my friends who taught me just now. (",)

Overall the event was rather interesting and fun. Now I am rather shagged... wanna go catch a nap... after I finish a thank you card. Alright.. catch u guys around. Have a nice day ahead.

Malam Budaya~

2006-07-22T23:11:00.000+08:00

Hi again~ Ya... just got back from the Malam Budaya event which was held at Zhenghua C.C just now. Had my dinner with Fifi at GreenRidge Banquet. Hmm.. the first time I got back there this year. Place didnt change much though.

Okay... back to the Malam Budaya... since it is a Malay event... i will try to blog it in Malay~ Ahem.. Bismillah~

Acara dimulakan dengan permainan gamelan oleh murid-murid dari BPGH.... hmm.. selepas itu.. okay... cannot make it... it sounds too formal... back to English... he.. he... sorry...

The event started with the traditional gamelan music performed by B.P.G.H... That my personal favourite actually~ Umm.. if I type every single performance it will be so boring... so let me summarise... here we go... there were traditional dances, dikir barat, play/drama, percussions, sajak recital, talk by Proffesor Ian... which I find rather true... and more dance. Hope i didnt miss out anything.

Overall.... i grade it as 6 out of 10. The programme flow was great but the organisation of the event itself is a "mess". There were no ushers or signs to lead us to the event hall. The audience... hmm.. rather "rowdy" i must say-should have crowd control. The main thing that bothers me is the way they show their thanks to their sponsors. Ya.. the sponsor were given gift but it seem that some of the main sponsor do not even know that they were supposed to receive any tokens. Anyway... since they are the sponsors... they should have been seated in front with the VIP guest. The host... hmm.. from polite to unprofessional. Seriously... i find that the language he used was rather inappropiate for such an event when the main reason for the event is "Bulan Bahasa". Other than that i think there are many areas where they can improve on.

I'm sorry if i offend any of the people by stating my opinion above about the event. I believe in giving the best a guest should have. Sponsors especially... if u treat them badly once, they might not sponsor you again. So...please be careful and be more courteous. It is just human nature. Improvements can be made.

The good things... programme flow was good. Food is nice. Place was nicely decorated. Once again... overall it is okay. A job well done. Credits to the performers and the crews. I enjoyed the show. For the long hours they have put in~ a bow for u~ thanks for the great show.

Okay... tml another event... lets see how it goes. Thats all from me for now~ Bubbye~

sorry ppl~

2006-07-22T00:40:00.000+08:00

Hey u all~

I know i have been away and not been updating my blog recently. I'm sorry n thanks to you guys who pester me to update it... :P He..he..

Anyway, I'm feeling rather "neither here nor there" at this moment. Trying to make life easy for myself but as usual life has its obstacles. I'm trying my best to look at it from a positive point of view. Don't worry I am never the sort that run from my problems. Anyway, i managed to set certain decisions last night and solved some problems today. Had my shower after the dance class just now and now enjoying my second cup of hot tea. Hot tea after a warm shower... thats my peace of mind from everything right now.

Just a brief update of what I am up to at the moment...

1) been attending dance class @ Moral Welfare Home for performance on 29 n 30 July with the Mendaki staff and some volunteers

2) got a full time job that is going to start this Monday... hmm i wonder how it will be. Working hours is very different though... 12pm to 930pm.

3) weekends: usually out on events... either Clubilya or Mendaki.. both or neither.. depends

Okay... this weekend events...

-badminton...
-malam budaya... i wonder how it will be... looking forward to it~ bringing my cousin along n meeting some of my volunteer buddies there~

n sunday..
-at kampong glam... okay cool~

then comes monday work~ yea~ just need a fresh start~

Okay thats all from me at the moment... wanna chat with my friends on msn~ Have a great day ahead~ (",)v

2006-06-17T19:51:00.000+08:00

== AWAY AT the MoMEnT ==

My Home Day~

2006-04-28T14:09:00.000+08:00

Finally~ one 'off' day for me to relax my mind at home. Nonetheless, tomorrow is one of the hectic days, then I'll have no plans till 6 May for the time being. Yet to purchase my 'court' shoes for the part time job though~ hmm.. but a little tight on cash at the moment.

My plans for tmrw are:-
- 1030hrs to 1300hrs: Chill Out Cooking Demo & Makan Session by the P.R Girls and some volunteers
- 1330hrs to 1600hrs: Volunteer Orientation @ Mendaki (New Batch)
- 1600hrs onwards : Nyai's house Kenduri

So this is not as hectic as some of the days where I have to be at more than 1 event in a day. Rather tiring though, but what I've achieved at the end of the day is priceless. Other than a bigger network of friends, I've learned new things like for example yesterday evening- rock climbing... that, I'll tell u more about it later. You get to have backstage passes to meet celebrities eg. the roadshow last month where the Anugerah winners autographed our badge and took pics with them. We had our Henna booth as well where we did henna painting for the public. Cool~

In addition to that, we get special invites to workshops where by right, if taken outside requires payment up to $450 per person n yet we get to go for free. There are so many things that I've learned so far and the best reward I've received at the end of the day is improve my life skills towards people.

Actually this is just volunteer work in action... to tell u the truth, I tried to keep this a secret from most of my friends as they might think if I were to publish this in my blog, my reason would be for me to get credit, sympathy or fame from them but that is not my reason. I've decided to publish this post today about volunteer work so that I can get more of my friends to get acquainted in volunteer work itself.

It may sound like a death sentence to some but everyone is different so everyone has different reasons perceptions of things. So if u think you might consider being a volunteer feel free to check out this websites:

Mendaki: http://www.mendaki.org.sg
Clubilya: http://www.clubilya.org.sg

If u can't decide but u just wish to check out what they have to offer without obligations, feel free to register as a mendaki volunteer first or even at Clubilya itself. They'll tell you more. Just to note, Mendaki is more to a Malay Muslim Organisation and Clubilya are open to all. All races and religions are welcome.

If you are not so busy and have a few days or just a day to spare and don't want to feel bored just sitting at home, all you have to do is just reply to the e-mail about the event that you are interested in once registered as a volunteer. To register itself is the first stepping stone towards what difference you'll make to other people's life. Above all~ my say: just follow your heart if you wish to carry on burning that little flame of volunteerism spirit that everyone has in them. Its amazing how one can work wonders~

Okay enough said, just want to share about my rock climbing experience yesterday. That was my first time rock climbing. Trying to kill two birds with one stone, trying to learn new things and slowly get rid of my phobia of heights. So just gave myself that 'c'mon you can do it' confidence and just climbed with instints. It was so great once i reach the top. The feeling is just indescribable~ The getting down part wasn't as hard as i though it would be. So at the end of it all, I conquered 2 walls~ yeah man~

One more thing, if u are reading my blog and u happen to like playing soccer with me and other girls, please leave me an e-mail or a tag kay. Wish to play soccer~ :) Okay i guess thats all for now. Tata~ Have a nice day ahead~

Wonderful Good Friday

2006-04-15T13:19:00.000+08:00

Hi again~ it was good friday yesterday and it was a wonderful day. Didn't expect that trip to leave me smiling at the end of the day. So.. if you wish to know... this is what happened~

Earlier that morning at about 10+ , I've met my friends to go to the Book Fair at Expo. Upon arrival to the Book Fair, there weren't that much people, so we went roaming around in search of books that we might purchase. The fair was cool~ lots and lots of books, magazines and even comics. They also included stationaries, motivational posters and even bookmarks to give the 'icing on the cake'.

After making our purchases we headed to the next exhibition room holding the 'John Little Sale'. The usual stuff that you can see at any John Little outlet. Just the price... a slight difference- nothing major to look for unless u haven't made the necessary purchases during your shopping trip.

Leaving Expo, we decided to go to the Changi Airport to go overseas~ He.. he.. ya rite~ but we did go to Changi Airport. The initial plan was to have lunch there and leave. So, when we reached Airport, we were at Terminal 2. Smiling and grinning, we went to venture Terminal 2 in search of a good place to have our lunch. Terminal 2 still gives me the awe of how wonderful Singapore can be. And of course, there were quite a number of men and ladies in uniforms walking around. The guys as per normal were so smart~ He..he..

Then we headed to Terminal 1 taking the connecting train from Terminal 2. We settled for Burger King which is just beside the Arrival Hall. So sat there, talking and talking and we saw this kid looking and fidgeting on front of the menu board~ just in front of where we were eating our lunch. One of my friend exclaimed that the kid was so cute... if he has a brother... he..he.. Then when we turned, we saw his brother~ aww... he was so handsome... sungguh handsome~ very handsome~ kacak sungguh~ I think he was about our age. Gosh man~ my adrenaline went high for that few moments~ His mom was also pretty... and from the language they spoke, they were from Indonesia. Just arrived in Singapore~ He..he..

He and his family then walked past up going to a table to settle down. One of my friend and I were so excited~ We were like giggling and smiling so much~ We then made a move to find the viewing gallery. I was as usual looking for Royal Brunei Airplane. The flight was scheduled at 1.40pm. When we reached there, the plane was still there... about to depart. When i saw the aeroplane I was so happy...excited... and just so glad *all smiles. It was so near to us and my friends started teasing... ah ha... Brunei~

No matter what~ i was still so happy... we watched as the plane took off from the airport and soon it was goodbye but we were all left with smiles on our faces. Its so great.. and that guy was so handsome.. he..he.. and the plane.. it was Royal Brunei~ ahhh... gosh man.. the people who went with me... was also wonderful~

I really didnt expect that a simple trip can leave me smiling so much for the day. I guess.. it is the simple things in life that can make one feel appreciative of what they have. For example the Royal Brunei plane.. it's not as if i never seen a plane before but there were reasons for me to appreciate that plane. =) I'll always remeber yesterday... one of the wonderful days in my life. I guess thats all for now. Bubbye~

another certification day...

2006-03-09T13:55:00.000+08:00

Gosh man... right now in school lab... not even paying attention to what the lecturer is talking about. Most of us are like so drained after the long week we had. Yesterday we had 3 quiz and we did passed everything illegally. He..he.. you might know what I mean. But anyway... i am not really proud of it or anything. It's just that I have to go home and really prepare for next week's exam- the certification test.

The lesson cum revision is so long. From 9am to 4pm. It was such a dread for us to come to school at 9am till 4pm from Monday till next week. At least ct is in the same class as me. If not, I wun even know how I'll survive. I am so tired~

Perhaps its because I have been going out almost everyday after school. Monday with my cousin, Tuesday with my poly mates... (CT & Zixian) and yesterday with my attachment friend. Today... umm... I just want to go home. I just want to shut my eyes and brain for a while.

Kay, i shall not think about going home first. Its only about 2.07pm.. 2 more long hours to survive. Anyway, i feel like drinking milkshake... chocolate milkshake. Or even ice cream. Umm.. sumthing that will actually melt in my mouth... ah ha... chocolates... maltesers.. hersheys... (drool... drool...) oh gosh.. okay.. tats enough... i am going nuts... he..he.. gtg. Later I'll add in again. Bubbye~

finished tidying up~ finally

2006-02-20T16:33:00.000+08:00

Umm.. i just finished tidying up my house basically the living room and my room. Had shower and ate a late lunch. Mom cleaned the kitchen. Pretty tiring considering I've wiped the floors and dust off all the necessary dirt away.I just dun know, i juz couldn't stand a messy place. The house will be in mess if i am not around or away working. I can't be dependent only on my mom and it is true, everyone plays a part in household chores actually. Imagine one person cleaning the whole house, then the other family members just come home and makes a huge mess. If u r the person who've cleaned and tidied the house earlier, yo'll be very pissed off that most of your effort had gone down the drain.

Me, on the other hand, when it comes to my cleaning mood, i'll just clean and clean until everything is spic and span. My sister?... dun need to ask... I've hardly or never see her lift the vacuum or even the broom for the past few months. My brother?... most of the time the mess creator~ Dad on the other hand is also part of the mess creator, he has this habit of irritating us especially when watching tv. He'll use orange seeds or anything small and throw at us. Once or twice is okay but sumtimes, he just gets on my nerves especially when he just ignores the seeds that he had thrown earlier on the floor. The only dependent people in my family is my mom and me.. thats is what my mom always say to me. Umm.. guess this is our life.

Okay, enough about cleaning. After this I've got to get started on my IT3731 revision. The paper is on this coming Wednesday and I can't let myslef down by not doing well in this paper. Actually, i just recalled what else I wanted to say here.

On 19 Feb, a day after my birthday, yesterday.. he..he.. went out with the whole family and had breakfast at tekka. It's been a long time since all of us went out as a family coz usually its either me or my brother away at work. No squabbles or anything like that during the entire trip but was rather okay. After breakfast, walked all the way to Mustafa Centre and did some shopping. Then proceeded to Sim Lim Tower and had lunch at Raffles Hospital Banquet where i had a sumptious meal of chicken chop. Sister ordered chicken noodle and mom had some type of chinese noodle. Yum.. yum.. he..he.. Before we ate, my brother had to leave for work. So left us four. After meal we left at about three and took 170 all the way to ten mile Junction. At ten mile, we did our grocery shopping and gosh.. the trolley was full. Reached home at about 5+ and it was tiring. He..he.. but it was nice in a way that we went out almost the whole day and just spend the day shopping and window shopping. It kept my mind off things for a while and just enjoyed the day. =)

Aight, i gtg and get started on revision. Okay... I'll write to u soon. Tata~ (Umm... i still miss him..) Have a nice day~

shud i be happy or sad?

2006-02-18T11:38:00.000+08:00

A very good day to all of you~ Right now i dun know whether to feel sad or happy. To feel happy coz i just turned twenty... and yet on the other hand, my neighbour living opposite my block had past away. It seems that way as that is what i get to see from my room. All the men are standing outside the house, and the last news I heard from my mom is that she (my neighbour) had cancer.

I kind of feel guilty as she use to talk bad things or negative insults about other people. And there was this once that she actually complained to my mom that her son saw us changing in our room without the curtains closed. This was actually not true as we had already made it a habit to actually shut the curtains to change our clothes. In other words, why does his son have to actually look at our room's direction? Umm... but anyway, i didnt hate him, i was just rather pissed off coz although we are in the same poly but of different course, whenever he saw me, he will never return my smile or my hi. Gosh man~

But anyway, I am not trying to hate him or anything and I had longed forgive them for "invasion of privacy". My last wishes for her right now, "May ALLAH bless you and I've forgave you and your family." Don't get me wrong, I am not happy that she had passed away. Now, if i was in his (the son) shoes, I would really feel a big loss as I've no longer have a mother. To his son, "I am so sorry for your loss. Stay strong and I hope you make her proud one day."

I got to get going though, visiting my friend in Pasir Ris for a while. Ct, thanks for the birthday present yesterday and maybe later when i come back I'll add in another entry. Okay, BuBByE~

mister ...?

2006-02-16T22:48:00.000+08:00

Listening to Sheila on 7 (an Indonesian Band) songs right now, i just vividly recalled the memories back in sec.4. He..he.. funny, sad, crazy, freaky, romance, u name it, 4e4 had it... that was life back then. (Gosh i sound like a tv commercial)~

Well anyway, today I caught up with some old friends from delifrance and i visited Paragon in hope to meet Adrian-the manager for the last time but too bad, he was working afternoon shift and i came in the morning. Umm.. spend quite a sum today but it was worth it.

Tomorrow will be another long day, have to wake up at 8 am to complete the NUS application form with CT, then we are going go to school... photocopy and print all the necessary documents, submit to elaine the appraisal form, ATM to pay the registration fee and last but not least to proceed to SMU for the cash payment. Umm.. then before i forget i have to meet up with Zat as well before 1pm. That is some other matters.

Speaking of guys, one of the guys who use to like me caught a chat with me on msn a few hours ago. Seems rather okay and he planned to meet up tomorrow as well. Before parting, he told me to msg him in 5 minutes. I said no.. since he is a guy he'll msg first. Umm.. but somehow i had to give in coz i was too tired. So had my dinner and then messaged him but no reply... waited.. umm.. still no reply, send him another message... kay thats it. If no reply within the next few minutes, I couldn't be bothered. You know sometimes i juz know that he will not reply at all or either say on the next day that he fell asleep or some other reason. If he is too tired just tell me instead of asking me out tonight. One thing i juz dislike about him is not replying to my msg. Sumtimes when he has the mood, he'll just call me and whenever he likes, he'll disappear.

Hmm... i sound so cruel but he is a nice guy actually. He ever drove me home before more than once and i do find him interesting in a way. Rather honest guy, sometimes too honest that it'll freak me out. That's his nature. So mister, i dun think i'll be meeting u tomorrow then~ unless u can prove me wrong~ Lets wait till tomorrow n see~

Okay.. thats all for tonight.. i am so tired~ take care u guys~ have a great day ahead~ BuBByE~

last day of semester~

2006-02-15T16:45:00.000+08:00

Alright~ finally, today is the last day of the semester.... completed all my projects and reports. No... still can't enjoy though... right now.. i have 3 main task to do... and my exams are next week. These are the main task~

1) to decide on the phone which i am going to purchase by 17 feb 2006

2) to apply for university

3) to return my uniform

Okay those are the 3 main things i need to settle by this week... basically 2 & 3 are the main priority. Anyway, had my Operations Management test just now. The weightage is 40% of the whole module and I really hope i can do well. To me, the paper was rather direct in a way that if lets say u know the answer then u'll know it- if not.. no hope... but at least this paper was much better than our common test.

Other than that, one of my friends from overseas is getting engaged three months from now. Wish him all the best and I shall pray for his happiness. InsyaAllah~

Yesterday was Valentines Day but it was no big difference to me though, coz I am currently single and anyway if you love that someone so much... everyday would be Valentines Day~ Sometimes i just cant help feeling unwanted by anyone in a way... especially on a day like yesterday. You may think i feel insecure... perhaps its partly true. I do share my problems and happy moments with my friends but the fact is that a guy's security and company can never be compared to anything or even substitute to a girls independence or strength. Believe me, I've tried but it is never the same. Having a guy or that someone you love with you or behind you will give you that extra strength to do anything with more confidence and willingness. This is what i realized. Correct me if i am wrong... it's true isn't it?

I guess thats the reason GOD made us to be of different sexes. Each person is unique and has their own strength, weakness and even personality. One last thing i wish to add, nobody is born perfect and in terms of learning or achieving a goal ~ if there is a WiLL, there is always a WAY. No matter how hard or how far the journey is, if you believe in it, you'll eventually achieve it. That's what i believe~ Okay i have to complete some task and i have to get a head start on my revisions for my exams next week~ Wish you guys taking the exam: Good Luck~ n Have a good day ahead~ BuBBye~

back from work...

2006-02-12T01:47:00.000+08:00

hi there, i just got back from work n had my shower. Today was my second last day at Delifrance. Feeling rather sad actually but i do not have much of a choice. The week had been tough on me. I fell sick last Saturday and today still coughing and sneezing but my fever had subsided. I guess i was just so stressed out. This was the week that we had to present all over project. On Monday was my C# project, then on Tuesday - Technoprenuership, on Wednesday was scheduled to present Citect, Thursday was an exception, friday had to present Global Supply Chain project and Citect.

C# went okay, managed to complete it somewhat it seems that way. Techno left my group members and me a satisfied smile as we managed to make him (our lecturer) to finally say that our group's business plan was good.

Then came Wednesday, gosh.. that was the longest day ever. It was mainly because of me. I knew it was my fault, ct did completed her part in C# and i had to do the grpahic as in Citect. It was 98% complete and that 2% was the update function. The graphic page managed to display the values from the database but was not able to update. I did the coding at home for update function without testing as i did not have 'BDE Administrator' in my PC. My plan was to run it the next morning before we present and edit necessarily just for the update function.

But gosh... it went all wrong, tried to edit but i just couldn't do it. Ct was getting anxious, she just wanted to present and get it over n done with just as we had planned earlier. Somehow luck was not on my side. We just couldn't update and ct began to get angry at me as i tried to concentrate with my weak mind (.. i was sick man..) . I knew it was my fault... i blamed myself already.. in me i was already cursing myself yet there was just not much i can do. It kept having error and wun update. The lecturer was another "irritator"... when i told him all our thing are working except the update function, he just said.. "Ala... very easy one.. can be done".. "ya.. it is easy for u but not really for us. for goodness sake, we only had one pathetic lesson on using the update function in C#.".. i said in my heart. He didn't even help the slightest bit.

Then ct got angry.. n said to me... "tu lah.. semalam bukan nak buat.. tolong orang buat sendiri punya tak nak try". It was true, yesterday evening we had stayed back to hep kaili n gayathri but it wasn't my fault that i didnt totally complete it coz i just couldn't during that evening due to the fact~ i was assisting them~ it wasnt as if i was sleeping or didnt do anything. So back to that moment.... ct was angry and left me alone. I dun know why.. i just couldnt think at that moment... in my mind was to just present and get it done and over with. Then the next thing i knew was that i totally broke down and wept and wept.

First time i broke down nobody noticed. Then, second time... fad saw n tried to console me but i was so angry at myself at that time. I felt so helpless and so weak... i was already so sick n this was just tearing me apart. Then finally, our actual lecturer, Mr Mark Lim came to the rescue. He managed to solve the problem. It was too late to present though so Mr Adrian said that we should come on Friday morning to show him our project. So now it was dragged to Firday. On Friday we presented and he was sayisfied, he said.. "Very good..well done!" i was so happy. The graphic page was interesting and i was proud of it.

That wednesday i'll never forget. I felt so tiny and i knew ct was so dissapointed and so was I, but i just coulndt help it. At lecture i didnt sit with my friends coz they sat in front and i know she was still fuming so i just kept quiet and paid attention to the lecture. My conciense was so strong... n i end up writing an apology letter to her. Writting that letter i cried. I was guilty as charged! Tsk.. tsk.. tsk... Soon the day ended. (kay.. i am too tired to type much abt it~) ct.. i am so so sorry abt that day~ i am guilty~ it was my fault..~

Now as in Sunday, Feb 12... i just feel so tired and empty. My life feels so empty. I miss this particular guy that i ever mention in my blog before. I dun know why... and i just feel that i really need some love from a guy...n that guy is him... i really miss him. haiz... i am feeling so vulnerable at this moment. I can only pray... pray that he'll be there.. somehow or someway. i dun knw wat to expect and wat to do... i just feel so empty... so vulnerable.... kay... i shall not say anymore... i need to go n sleep... medication is making me feel so drowsy... good night~ tata~

projects... projects.. projects...

2006-01-24T21:45:00.000+08:00

FOUR~ thats the number of projects I have to complete.. mostly due 2 weeks from now. Gosh... and i had only started on some. Wait.. let me count again... 1) Global Supply Chain, 2) Citect, 3) C# Mini Project, 4) Technoprenuership... ya its confirmed.. a total of FOUR projects. Umm... i wonder how i am going to survive~

But anyway, sat for the first quiz for the Web Based Certification class this morning and ct and I tallied our answers. Seems to us, we are on the right track. She had 18.5 out of 20 whilst i got 17.5 out of 20. Umm... was careless with one of the questions. He..he.. That was actually our second lesson and her fypj supervisor is now our Web Based Lecturer. The lesson was interesting at some aspects but i guess we were just too tired... mentally and physically. Considering the fact that we had night class on Monday night and the late nights i had coz of doing projects. Right now i am just praying that my body won't fail me since the "holidays" are around the corner and I am planning to complete all the work before or by then. Hope few more sacrifices of sleep will actually lighten my burden of the projects sooner or later. Okay.. i gtg... take care u guys~ Bubbye~

my life?...

2006-01-22T13:14:00.000+08:00

Been thinking lately... what is my life all about?... I got the prt time job but the pay is so tiny no matter how much i work. It is not even enough to pay my handphone bill and cover my little expenses when in the first place i wanted to save up some cash. My allowance had dropped back as per what it was.. having a mere $20 for 5 days. Supposedly to spend about $4 per day which is virtually impossible with the long hours i spend in school... i just don't know how i am suppose to save money. I am no big spender but i do spend for my family and friends at times.... for the time being i am quite occupied working n completing homeworks at the same time. Soon... at about 145 i have to leave for work. Hmm...

My legs are still aching after the 2.4km run last Thursday and the continuos climbing of stairs during the open house last friday. Yesterday i was not being myself. I was rather butterfingers... and i burnt my finger. Now my right index finger is swollen like a little caterpillar on my finger. Gosh.. i hope it won't leave a mark.

Some of my friends even told me that they think i need a break from all this... coz it seems I am not having sufficient rest and it will actually drop my concentration level. Maybe its true i need a break but how?... with all the projects and the continous strain i get at work... sometimes i just feel that my life is so empty. Maybe what i am lacking of is love. No... i am not saying i am desperate for a guy or a bf but i guess and it seems that i am more happier and cheerful when i am showered with love from a guy. For now, let me pray... n try to be happy as i am happy for the good people around me... Okay i better get going... my finger is strating to hurt... so tata... take care u guys~ Have a good day ahead. Cherish the happy moments~ BuBByE

big scoop of life...

2005-12-28T15:52:00.000+08:00

Hi dear... he.. he.. its been such a long time since i worte in here. Been rather busy lately with test and schoolwork.. projects and my part time job. Ya.. u heard me right.. i got one of my wishes to come true which was to get a part time job. So now i am working part time at Delifrance at P.... he..he.. you have to ask me to find out.

Okay so lets begin... so on Monday and today i got an off day... i was planning to either complete my part of the project... else... to do a new blogskins.... or to revise for the 2 upcoming test... or to clean my room... Gosh man... my room is in a huge mess... with a younger sister that doesn't seem to assist at all in cleaning... its a long day so i am yet to decide.

Then now... "the holidays"... we are supposed to revise for the 2 upcoming test and also finish the technoprenuership ICA1 complete with presentation slides.. gosh man~ but anyway... despite all these... I guess it pays off to pay attention in class. With the little revision i did i actually got an A for my Warehousing practical test and full marks for my C# Practical test compared to the 75 out of 100 marks i got earlier for the programming pratical test. Then just before the holidays... i sat for the Operations Managament test.. that one.. haiz.. i got nothing to say... then after holidays 2 more test... OMG!

Talking about off days... i also took an off day on 1st Jan coz its my friend's birthday. He is turning 18 if i am not wrong. A bit about him... i wun mention his name due to some unforseen circumstances that i might face in future... he..he.. My poly mates know him as a family friend. Started out by chnaging msn address... and so on so forth... my friends use to say that he likes me... but i myself.. i juz dun know. All i know is that we are getting closer and closer day by day. We do go out... went to catch up on a few movies after Hari Raya recently. At times, he does get jealous when i go out with my other guy friends that i am not that really close with. Been calling each other almost every night with no strings attached... so u be the judge... he..he.. wat do u think?...

Speaking of guys... let me say sumthing about my ex... the one who is married with 2 children. He called me on Christmas Eve when i didnt reply his message. I was on the way to work so we chatted over the phone. The first thing he said was that he was sorry fro all that had happened and as usual i wud say... it was okay. I was initially happy happy for him because of his idea to join ventures in a business tgether with his friend. He, his friend and the friends are the so called business heads. They will specialize in wedding catering and etc. Not only will they just specialize in wedding functions, they will aslo cater to other functions such as Kenduri and other relevant functions. I wished him all the best in the business and then i ws dissapointed when he told me that he and his wife are not in good terms again. That was rather usual until he let me down further... he told me that he actually subscribed a line for me. Now he has 3 lines. One for the business, one is for miscellanous use such as his siblings, his wife and company and the other one for me... only for me... juz me... OMG! even his siblings doenst knw that number except me. Gosh man... i told him, "I feel so honoured but i dun wish to get you into trouble. Please UNsubscribe that line. "... He said, "Dear... i tried to forget you but i just can't. That why i did this. I still love you. I am trying to get myself busy so that i wun think of you that much but the more i try the more i think of u." I said, "I myself am getting busy so that i win think so much... my only wish right now is to go to University." There was silence between us at that moment. Then he said that he still love me. I just thank him without replying the same to him. Coz deep in me... i just dun wish to repeat history. Some facts are just too big... for eg. he is MARRIED!

Sometimes i ask myself... am i a playgirl? Am i?... These guys found me.. i didnt find them. Each time... all these guys (my ex. I mean) had put me into misery when they leave me. Once is enough coz at times the pain is just too unbearable for me to take. It's as if leaping off a cliff without any harness or parachute.

So one of the nights i confided to my family friend till i broke down. He mentioned to me this. "be strong... whatever it is, i dun want u to get back with him coz he is married". He was somehow furious with my ex. who called me. He continued consoling me... till at the end when he said this, "Dear.. i think the best thing you need right now is a hug from me but i am too far... so this is what i want you to do. Wrap yourself under your blanket... close your eyes and imagine i am with you.. as near as you are hearing my voice... Shh... dun say anything sayang... let me hold you close against my warm body..." I did what he instructed me to do... n somehow.. i was really comforted. He then talked about something else so that i keep my mind off things... at the end of it all he managed to make me smile and feel at ease till i felt sleepy.

Okay... okay.. perhaps i do have a bit of feelings for him... coz i know a lot a bout him. Two years of friendship goes a long way u know. He ever told me that he sayang me. But i dun know what to expect so lets just let time tell.

So now i would like to share a bit about another 2 guys. One of which i saw on Christmas itself. I was on the way to work where i had to transfer from bus to train due to road closure. So i was on the escalator out to Tangs. He was in front of me. He looked at my direction and smiled. At first i didnt know whether i shud smile back or not. He is a handsome guy. My definition of handsome. He was smart as well... wearing a black polo T-Shirt and jeans with a cool hairstyle. Initially i thought he was smiling at someone behind me or across me. I didnt know so to make life easy i just smiled back and glanced at him. He saw my uniform and smiled back at me. Then he continued staring at me and just smiled and smiled. I was hoping that he'll say sumthing but he didnt. So i just walked pass him when it was nearly the exit and walked away. I was still left smiling and grinning on the way to work coz i realized that he was walking behind me. He...he.. n soon i think he lost me in the crowd in front of Lucky Plaza. Haiz... wasted... how i wished he was more daring~ he..he.. but anyway... i wish i could see him again. Handsome dude~ simple and handsome~ He..he..

So, now the last guy i am going to talk about is a guy i got to know from the net 2 to 3 years ago. We have exchanged contacts and i heard his voice before... dun know why but we are rather close. Use to chat on MSN Messenger every weekend when i am not working and he will go to work in the evening. "Clean" relationship with at times a bit of hanky panky.. he..he.. not too much.. just a bit like a bit of muacks... here and there and sayang here and there. He is a police officer completing his share of service next year after my birthday. He works at Bedok Police Station and has a brother. Grandma lives with his family and him. So far, he is the only guy that i know from the net that i still keep in contact with. Problem is i am yet to see how he looks like. Attitude so far, i like... a true gentleman. Once he ever asked me out but a the end he cancelled the date as he had sumthing on the last minute. He know i was also worried wat type of guy he was.. so he said we'll meet a a place where there's a lot of people so u'll feel comfortable. I made his day the other time when i wished him Happy Birthday. He was touched that i was the only one who actually remembers his birthday. He said he likes me and love me.. but still i have to tell myself to wait and meet him first. I have no doubt in him but this is a step i'll take to avoid the risk of being played by. I shall keep my promise and only start dating again next year after my birthday. Right now, i actually miss him the most. He made me too comfortable with him that i am so relaxed with him. I shall wait for my birthday. Sayang u~

Okay... i know entry is very long today... he..he.. treat like a bit info i am sharing with you. Aight~ take care.. BuBBye~

i shall not hate her!

2005-12-28T15:41:00.000+08:00

Hi again... actually i am quite fed up... coz i actually type a long entry earlier and my stupid sister switched off the cpu. I dun know what she is thinking. She had been pestering me the whole morning till just now she swiched off the CPU. I feel as if i want to kill her.... She is not a little girl any more yet she acts so childishly. She know i am doing some worlk while typing my blog and yet she does that to me. I am so furious at her right now. If it was a short entry it was okay but it was a long one... now i have to try to recall and type it all over again and to make it worst some of the files that i did hadn't been saved yet. OMG! Haiz... excuse me for a while i cool down...

Marriage...

2005-12-10T17:15:00.000+08:00

Today... it seems to me... people around me are getting married. The person whom i used to love no longer seems so near. If i am not wrong... he is married or getting married soon. Although i always say that i am happy for him but there is a huge fact that i am actually still healing from this major ordeal. Just now when i read his Friendster profile.. i felt somehow that i got cheated or perhaps got planted by somebody through all this just to see me hurt at the end of the day.

Was all these a lie? He told me before, that he was from NYP n yet in there he state that he was from Ngee Ann for 3 mths and then Raffles Institute. Gosh man... i think he lied to me! Isn't all this obvious? It was all too good to be true but how?.. How did he get my number? there were just too many sources to get my number anyway... perhaps it was from my fav. cousin... who seems to be drifting away from me as the days go by. but Y?... should i even suspect her in the first place? Just because they were partners in Police Academy?.. Will someone just clarify everything to me? Stop lying to me! STOP!!!! Just STOP lying to me! Wats wrong with these people? Am i just too naive that people are taking advantage? Gosh man!

When i dun want to trust them, others will say that i am cruel or selfish... when they gain my trust they'll let me down. Y is this so? Perhaps i am looking in the wrong direction n perhaps i should just sit back... but thats not me! Haiz... let it be~ i dun want to think about it anymore... Let them be happy... let them lead their lifes... it's okay that i am the one crying at the end of the day. Let it be... i can only pray.. n continue my journey in this ocean of love.

I'll still keep my word that i'll actually stop dating guys until my birthday next year. To him... if u somehow happen to read this... just let me ask u~ Why did u do all these to me? Dun worry i wun hate u nor will i curse u... haiz.. forget it~ Juz ans me~

"A lie may seem so small yet it'll haunt u until u tell the truth."

i dreamt of him...

2005-12-03T10:52:00.000+08:00

In the dream...

I had just arrived at his house, he was all dressed up with a ring in front of him. The moment he saw me at the door, he called me to sit in front of him. The ushers brought me there and I sat down on a plush cushion in front of him. The "kadi" was beside but in between both of us. The kadi then said, please begin.. and he began reciting some prayers. Somehow i knew, it was a prayer to break off the engagement but not with me. That prayers wasn't normally heard before but at the end of the prayer he prayed something in Arab that states he is thankful to have met me and he believed now that I was the one for him. I was left speechless down there as he recited the prayers. I looked at him blankly and he smiled and said, it's all going to be alright. I looked around and I saw his mom, she smiled and said, thats my son... he is good at prayers. Around us were lots of people that I didnt know and I didnt see his fiancee anywhere. Somehow, my parents were also there.

After he completed his prayers, the kadi stood up. He, the guy that I use to love... told me to stand up and he brought me to meet his parents... first the mom.. then the dad. I salam them and smiled as he inroduce me as the girl that he really loves. His mom smiled and asked where were my parents as she wanted to meet them too. My parents came as they brought all of us in another part of the house. The people around us was then dispersing... some left.. some stayed around.

On the way there, Ish walked slowly with me and i saw that he couldnt stop smiling. He took my hand and put it around him and soon he hugged me so tightly. I could feel his warm body against mine and his breathe on my neck. He whispered into my ears, "I am sorry u had to wait and i don't want u to wait anymore. I tried but I just couldn't stop loving you. I love you Khairunnisa..."

"Tengku... mari kita duduk berbincang..." his mom called out sitting together with my parents and his. On their faces were smiles as we walked together towards them. Within that area, we stood together as they discussed and soon he excused us coz he said that we.. as in me and him needed some time just to be with each other. He brought me to his mini backyard or so called the back garden where there's a swing and situated within the distance that our parents could see us.

The night was cold yet so comforting. The cold night breeze made me shiver a little and I had goosebumps. He saw me rubbing my hands together and he knew i was cold. He slowly laid his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him. He took my hands into he and his started to fondle around with it.

He broke the silence by saying... "Dear... i really love you". "I love you too... but may I know wat happened to your fiancee then?... What happened?" "My dear, dont worry about her... we know we don't love each other and we don't belong to each other. We tried loving each other but we.. or simply me... just couldn't bring myself to it. It's as if... i am being dragged everywhere just for the status that i hold with her. Me and her are just friends and nothing more... coz in my heart there's only you. Sayang... i want only you... I love you." I looked at him and said... "I love you... abang... pls tell me... is this all real?" "It is my dear.. it is real.." "Sayang... i want you to be my gf and my future wife... will you accept me?" "Abang... I would love to be your future wife as well but for now.. coz of my studies we better be gf and bf first kay... InsyAllah.. when i am ready... you'll know.." "Kay my dear... for you... i'll wait... I have something for you... " He took out the ring i saw earlier from his pocket. "Would you be my girl... and hopefully my future wife?..." "I would love to my dear." He then slipped the ring in my finger... it fit perfectly. We both smiled and we could really feel the love. "Let's go inside dear... you are getting cold. I'll get you warm tea."

The moment I stood up.... i felt so cold.. and suddenly woke up from this beautiful dream. My body still felt so cold and I pulled up my blanket.. I still shivered and murmured... "Abang Ish..." I closed my eyes and I only saw him. Smiling and looking back at me. It was all too real for me. I could feel as if I was really with him. I remember his gentle touch... his warm body... his house and him. I've tried to forget him like he told me but after last night... everthing seems so real. Gosh... I don't know what to expect... I checked the time it was gong to be 5 am soon. People told me before... if the dream is before "Subuh"... believe in it. But if it way before that time... don't believe it... it's Setan's mischieve. Too real indeed... that is wat I can say.

A special dedication...

2005-11-13T12:37:00.000+08:00

Under the heavy, dark clouds I stood
Spreading my arms with my eyes shut
Gentle raindrops wet my open palms
I looked up, facing the night sky
The rain was my heaven
In my heaven there was him

I remembered him
I missed him
I loved him
Reminiscing the memories
Heartbreaking tears besieged me

Drenched were my clothes
Still I couldnt care less

Drops of rain had wiped my tears
Draining the pain
Touching my soul
Washing away all my sorrows

Beneath the patter of the raindrops
I could still hear him
Say the words I long wish to hear
I love you

This broken soul of mine
Feels so light yet so empty
The pain had been drained
But the love was still there
"I still love you..." I murmured

Written by,
Khairunnisa Bte Hassan
November 12, 2005

can't i even walk properly?... he..he..

2005-11-04T17:19:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Umm.. but like i mentioned in previous post... i am not really in the mood of celebrating anything actually. "Collection" wasn't much as expected... had to give mom some and spend some on my lecture notes. I was thinking of using the money to buy contact lens this time round which is at $15 a pair and some other stuff for school. Now... i am considering back this decisions coz my cash flow seem to be a bit tight at the moment coz i am currently not working part time.

But anyway... something funny happened yesterday. It all began.. about my butt. Ya.. u heard me rite.. MY BUTT. Few days before Hari Raya I felt a bit of pain on my butt. I checked there was nothing. Then later during the night, I felt the area that i felt pain earlier started swelling. So i kept quite till I couldn't even bear to sit down on the floor. Walk here.. walk there.. toss here n toss there in bed.. just trying not to think of my right butt which was swollen. Then on Raya morning I told my mom coz I got worried about it as it looked as if my butt got stung or I've contrated some weird disease. So yesterday... without any medication or anything I just had to bear the pain.

The first house we visit, my dad's Ustaz house. We sat there quite long till I felt as if my right butt had gotten bigger than my left butt. Gosh man~ Soon we left with lots of things to carry as usual. I carried this heavy bag filled with Ketupats and Lepat made and brought from home to bring to Ang Mo Kio-my grandma's house (Nyai). The other hand was with my handbag - unzipped. Wearing high heels... walking down the staircase... trying to avoid stepping on my mom in front... suddenly I just lost my balance. I fell flat on my right butt before I could reach for something to grab on.

"ouch!!!!!", I screamed softly... trying not to make a huge scene but i was too late coz my sister, my brother and of course my mom saw. My handphone and wallet fell out of my handbag and it was all over the staircase landing. That heavy bag was still in my hands and I was grateful that I didnt tear the kain I was wearing. Heels I was wearing was still in one piece. I didnt suffer any injuries except my... you know where.

Mom smiled at me and I just burst out laughing. Mom said... "Dah lah pantat dah memang sakit.. lagi kau jatuh terduduk." She made is sound so innocent and funny~ He..he..he.. All the way down within the next fleet of stairs, we all just laughed like crazy and I couldn't help but laugh with them. Younger sister teased me.. saying "Apa aje.. jalan pun tak pass" then brother reacnacted the whole scene and we all just laughed all over it again. I actually forgot about the pain temporarily till I sat in the cab later to go to Nenek's house. Taking 2 cabs, one was our parents and the other, the three of us... in the cab I said, "ahh... sakit nya pantat aku.." and I gave them a crazy look and the three of us laughed until the cab driver looked at us witha blank look. He..he..

This incident was then told to my aunty at Bukit Batok and it continued over to all my other aunties when we gathered at Ang Mo Kio. I really felt so ashamed... he..he.. but I just couldn't help laughing over it.

Okay... i shall end here for this entry... I'll come back in a short while... wanna get sumthing to drink in the kitchen.

i shall close this chapter of my love

2005-10-31T16:48:00.000+08:00

Okay.. today is the first time he talked to me on msn messenger. Oh.. n he gave me a photo of him and his mom. Gosh man, he is so handsome. Finally i get to see how this lover of mine looks like. That is one guy I call handsome. Not only is he handsome physically but he is smart and he is a lawyer and we still love each other. N yet we aren't together.

Haiz.. this time i really blame fate not just because of the fact that we are not together but because of the whole thing. Now i got the whole story form both him n my cousin, Jun.

Began when he first saw me when he was parking his bike at our school's carpark. For quite a number of years, he haven't been dating anyone due to the fact that he lost someone he really loved till the day he saw me. He told me that when he saw me, he smiled at me and yet I didn't smile back at him. When i heard this, I was like oh my god, why was this one of the tiny moment I wasn't smiling?... If he had known me better, he would see me smiling most of the time. But anyway, he was saying that he then just ignored it. But at night when he listened to a song by "Fuad & Mira" my face appeared on his mind.

Tell you the truth, I think I saw him that time. I was in year 1 or 2 I think. I just took a glance at the person coz it was a distance from where I was walking and to where he was standing. He was the only one standing there and parking his bike. I saw him smiling but I didnt think he was smiling at me coz there was quite a number of people walking behind and in front of me that time. So i just look at the direction I was at. C'mon... I wasn't pretty or anything, i know myself and he on the other hand looks so charming. He..he.. Then saw him a couple of times in school and I just smiled.

So anyway, summarise~ So he graduated from our school with IT diploma, then he went to Police Academy, SMU to study law and now he is a Lawyer. Cool huh~ Then he took 1 year to trace my number. He was good at it that he got to know my full name and etc. He took the courage to sms me on the night I was leaving for Cameron Highlands. That was the first time he sms me. He told me wat i just summarised and some other particulars and information of him. If he were to sms me later than he did that night, he would have had lost me coz my plan has no autoroaming so he did it at the right time. Managed to msg him and got to him a bit on that night and so it continued when my family and I got back from the trip. So, it was continuing. Back and forth.. day and night and I found him to be an interesting guy.

Soon he told me that he was leaving for Brunei, to visit his grandma. Before he left, he asked me to marry him but I was not ready at all. C'mon man.. I only just got to know him and then suddenly marry him. Oh.. thats too fast. But he accepted my reason for turning his marriage proposal down. He was serious about it actually. Having had admired me from afar he had fallen for me first. He even ask me to accompany him to follow him back to Brunei but too bad I still had to complete my final year project and presentation which was only like 2 weeks away. Bad timing. If the whole thing were to occur when I was having my holidays I would be more than happy to follow him. A lot of things happened when he came back to Brunei.

So the story goes that he left Changi Airport with his childhood friend, a lady. They went back to his home where his grandma was sick. The families were there and they assumed that both of them were together when in actual fact.. the lady has a boyfriend who she is ready to marry and he had me. So they later went to their separate rooms which he heard about a marriage being planned by his mom. He asked his mom whose marriage were they planning and she answered him and his childhood friend. Being who he is, he just kept quiet for a while and soon told the girl abput it. The talked and they were planning to tell their parents about the whole thing. But when they were about to tell theor parents, his grandma said that she wished to see her grandson get married with the lady. So, plans were made and he was annoyed by it. In mind they wanted to cancelled it off one way or another.

During the preparation, he decided to go out with his friends including the lady. They went to a pub and he and the lady drank together with his friends. He didnt know why that he ended up bringing her into his room. So that night.. i shan't say wat happened. I think you know better.

Few days later, his grandma passed away. Having just preparing for wedding.. nothing was official yet.. they still had a chance. There was no status change yet but they recalled that night and he felt guilty. It wouldn't be fair for her. So, now... there was nothing much they could do. I've no idea to what happened to the lady and the boyfriend. Perhaps he was suffering as much as I was.

My hopes and dreams of him were really shattered. I don't even know how many nights I cried until today. I just couldn't cry anymore. Last night, I didnt sleep a wink. I couldn't help missing him so much due to the fact of things happening around me and to him. I was so dissapointed when I got to know the whole story but I couldn't be angry with him... coz I loved him. I pondered over and over again, why did that night happened?... If it wasn't for the alcohol that they consumed, things won't be the way they are today. They could have saved their relationships. He kept telling me that he didn't love her and he only love me but the mistake he made... was too huge to be kept locked away. He is a responsible man so he had to do this.

I've accepted this fact and I understood. I had to let him go. Painful as it may be, some things just can't be undone. So now I've to close this chapter of my love life. Sweet were the things he did for me, glazed with honey were the words he said to me, this is one guy I'll never forget, he is a true lover soul. I love him. The best I could do is to pray for his happiness.

that nap was what i needed...

2005-10-30T15:11:00.000+08:00

Managed to fall asleep with the help of the fan but I was awakened by a call just now. The moment I held the phone, the caller was no longer on the line. Mom answered it first actually and she said it was a lady. Umm... great I've no idea who it is right now and I do hope the person calls back.

Anyway, I just read his email and I think I should be prepared to blow out the candle of love for him. I can love him but I shall do it quietly. Gosh.. I sound so evil. Actually what i meant is to love him as a friend and perhaps just a little more. No matter what it is it'll make no difference whether I love him or not.

The best i can do for him right now is to pray for his happiness. Perhaps we are destined not to be together. I've accepted the fact so we shall move on. Being said that, I've put my last wish in his hands right now. I'll mend my broken heart... slowly.

"I am a bad girl. I am sorry coz I made you angry. I'm sorry that I've hurt you so much and caused you a lot of trouble. I've realized my mistake. I am sorry. "

Something is amiss...

2005-10-30T07:29:00.000+08:00

Less than 24 hours ago I send that e-mail and now I just can't stop thinking if I've made the right decision. Just now after sahur I just can't seem to fall back asleep despite the fact that my body is very tired. I don't know why but perhaps it's because my mind is not at peace.

Throughout the whole night and this morning... I just couldn't help thinking and missing him. My heart is in pain and now I just have a gut feeling that something is amiss. Something major or bad is going to happen. I just don't like having this feeling coz it usually relates to someone I care a lot about and someone close to me and I really hope it is not him. 8 out 10 times whenever I felt this way, it came true. So you see why I don't feel good especially during this point of time.

Just now when i tried to force myself to sleep... when I close my eyes, I saw myself walking down this stretch Bungalow houses at Bukit Timah. I know it's Bukit Timah coz I saw an address outside a gate of a particular house. I don't wish to check if the address exist or it might just freak me out later when I find out. Okay... okay... dun wish to talk about this anymore.

Now the sun had risen and the birds have greeted this peaceful morning. My only wish today is to have him as my friend and I'll hold the candle of love in the hope that we'll meet one another one day. That day I'll remember and I'll cherish every moment of it. Kay, I wish to enjoy this peaceful morning in a hope that it'll comfort me a little. I'll write again soon. Take care u all~ Happy fasting~

Have i made the right decision?

2005-10-29T23:55:00.000+08:00

Listening to 'Di Pinggiran Aidilfitri' by Dikir Temasek and it relates to what I am feeling at this moment. I read the email he sent me just now and it breaks my heart even more. I've replied in 2 emails. First was right after I read his email then the other just now at about 940pm.

I've thought it through and I hope I've made the right decision. Tell me or say sumthing in my shoutbox if you're reading this.

I've told him, since he wants me to find another guy... I'll try. Since I love him and I don't wish to see him hurt because of me I think I shouldn't tie him down anymore. I want him to be happy with his future wife since there isn't much that both of us can do anymore to make things better. Situation gave us no control. All we can do is let nature take it's place and we can only pray to Allah. Fact is, I still love him and he still does. Little there is hope that we'll end up together... I'll still hold this candle of love for him. I'll shelter it from rain and wind. I wish him all the best for his marriage life.

The only thing I asked from him is to meet me. To just give me a chance to be with him even if it is only for a little while. I know it is going to be hard but I can just pray that he'll fulfill this last wish of mine. Please... I don't mean to be cruel but I didnt even have a chance to see, touch neither do I get a chance to hear his voice. Let me ask you.. am i asking for much?... That is my only wish that I want him to fulfill. Right now... i really miss him... and i can't seem to find any comfort anymore. I dun wish to say much. I'll end here. Good nite.

To Gayathri~ Happy Birthday~

why is my fate this way?...

2005-10-29T17:46:00.000+08:00

Hari Raya is around the corner yet i don't even feel like i want to celebrate Raya this year. My heart is so much in pain at this moment of time. Why is my fate like this? Can't i even meet the proper guy?

I've met a guy who loved me for who i was but things just got out of hand. I didnt even have a chance to see, touch nor hear him. The only thing that kept us going was sms. No matter where we were... sms is the only thing that held us. But through his sms.. he had touched and stolen my heart. Not because of the status he holds nor was it because of the things he owed. It was his soul. A soul that i'll never forget.

Just when i thought... this is the guy i've long prayed and waited for... everything just faded in front of my eyes. Coz of the name he holds... we couldn't officially be with each other. He was soon taken away from me... by engagement and soon to be marriage.

I dont blame him neither do i blame anyone related to him but i blame fate. Yes.. it is fated and yes I know we could change fate if we wish to coz to a certain extend we still shape our life. Don't tell me I am fated to fail in an exam when you know vey well that if we studied hard enough... we'll pass the exam no matter how hard the paper was. It's a matter of wanting it or not. Don't worry.. i won't hate fate. Fate like all is still part and parcel of life.

But fate had really torn my heart this time around. Not once.. but twice... the first... i was getting over it with the help of him.. this recent guy. Now i just can't seem to cry anymore... my eyes hurts so much... I've accepted that he is engaged now and i shouldn't hold him down anymore. The best i can do right now is to pray that he'll have a happy life ahead of him. Let me be alone for the this while until he fulfill the only wish i had for him. I've nothing much to say... Maybe later i'll say something more. Take care. Happy fasting~

<>

de Presentation

2005-08-24T19:41:00.000+08:00

"Your group have high aspirations but pls be a bit realistic." Thats wat one of the Accessors suggested to us. "Why pen?... How about... lets say... Chocolates." Ooo... those were just some of the feedback mentioned by them. But seriously, i find that the presentation was rather satisfying. Questions asked were being answered with details and full of enthusiam. Thats the spirit~ Overall i'll give an 8 out of 10. My teamates thought it was great and fulfilled our requirements. My other teamate, Chris or should i call him Dr.Chris... he..he.. (tats a compliment) thinks we did a great job.

At first I was freaking out, especially after my panic button had been pressed. Program not running was wat alarmed me at that moment of time. But still managed to calm down n relax. All is well n we presented full heartedly. I was a bit angry just now coz J kept cutting in whenever we were presenting. I was yet to finish explaining n he just butt in. That i have to tell him. It's actually inappropiate and rather rude. Something that is worth mentioning tomorrow. I shall do that.

But overall, I have to say... presentation went well. Hope that on week 12 will be GrEAt.

the wedding...

2005-08-07T17:28:00.000+08:00

Just got back from one of my ex-polymate's sister's wedding. His name is Wan... it's his sister's wedding. Quite a simple wedding i must say and the "Pelamin" is very well decorated... Simple but elegant. The 'Pelamin' is not like the normal 'mini' platform. It was complete with its own shelter.. sumthing like the circus's top in white. The backdrop and the decorations are those sort wth rod irons and etc. The bride; his sister was beautiful. Make-up was very natural and suits her very well.

Umm.. looking at people getting married... sumtimes i wonder if i ever get married one day. It's not like I am fantasizing or anything... coz i actually even thought of not getting married. Haiz... it's still a long way to go... i rather not think so much. Guess i miss the person whom used to be my sweetheart. This is just a part of my life story i guess.

Kaylah... got things to do... maybe tonight i'll update again. Bubbye u all. **smilez**

the Bahas 4PM...

2005-08-06T23:08:00.000+08:00

Topic: Blogging... personal or public? That was the topic for the malay debate shown on Suria. Just finish watching it.
The winner: Madrasah Wak Tanjung... all right man~
The runner up: Victoria Junior College

Dunno why each time I watch people debate, make me feel the urge to go out there and debate again. Guess it's because i used to debate in the past during my secondary school. Been a long time since i debated. Its quite fun actually. Do reasearh. Find facts and plan your debate. And on the actual debating day, u go all out and just "fight" with the opponent. "Fight of words and facts" that's wat i like to call it. Sumthing like a case... where a lawyer will go all out to save the client. Love debating. Never ever got sick of it. Thats just me i guess.

Anyway, congrats on the winning team and to both... a great job done. Feeling tired now n i miss my pillow. Kay... tats all. BuBByE~

the bandzout...

2005-08-05T22:32:00.000+08:00

Just got back from Bandzout. If u guys are wondering wats that... its actually a bands formed by NYP students and they challenge each other. It's not those formal type of bands. It's actually more to rock n metal. Those who cut the auditions were to perform for the Bandzout and as per normal there will only be one winner but all groups performing got a consolation prize.

Though i am not such a big fan of rock n metal music... i find that the performance was great. It was actually much better watching them perform compared to any normal rock concert. This time around it was great. One of my club mates even mentioned to me that it was better than slip-knots concert. He..he.. They really sang their heart out... literally... and played the electric guitars and drums to the rythm of their songs.

At first it was a bit painful hearing them strain their voices to the rock style but some of them really did it great.The guest band was ex-students of NYP... sumthing like the future Metallicas. Songs they sang... sweet child of mine and some other familiar songs. They carried the song well. =) Like every rock concert, head bangings were not a rare sight. Great show on the whole. If i were to grade the show. I'll give 7 out of 10... thats because i listem to all kinds of genres and the people that i met there. He..he.. a bit biased i guess.

Anyway, love the SIT Club man... rock on~ see u guys @ the Phat Nite. Sumthing i really look forward to... coz last year it was great being part of the team preparing the decorations n stuff. After all the hard work. It's time to enjoy n destress. yeah~

2005-03-29T11:08:00.000+08:00

Hi there.. its been quite a long.... long... time since i wrote in to u. Sorry...

By the way, it is a big relief that i finally finished my projects. At last.. now its time for all the exam and later today i have a lab test for IT2731. Oh my... that is the module that i really have no interest in studying but there is no other choice... so what ever it is i shall have to study it and try my best to pass or even ace this subject.

Now, i am sitting in ELQ just trying to pass the time before our lunch today at 12. Only a few of my classmates and good friends turn up for the lesson today. I think i will b seing them later during the lab test. Alright, thats all for now. Take care.. maybe tonight i shall write in again. Bubbye... (",)

:: Pain Day ::

2005-01-05T13:44:00.000+08:00

Me just got back from school, sort of in pain. Physically and emotionally. Though the year has just started i pray that all will go well this year... "insyallah".

Emotionally coz of my broken heart. Someone i really love, left me recently. In December last year to be exact. I know i should stay strong and try to forget him but the fact is I still love him. I know during that time that i should let him go, since his heart is stolen by another girl. So what is the point of hanging on when i know he is loving another girl more than me? It's just not me to fall in love so easily... but when i fall in love with that someone, i will try my best to care, love and be there for the person if he needs me. This year around as i have written, i will be a better girl in every possible way achievable.

I pray for my broken heart to be cured soon enough. Have a person whom i can appreciate as a boyfriend or even perhaps a good guy friend. No... i am not trying to sound desperate but i just want someone for me to share my happiness with. Ya... its true i have friends but i would love to have someone to be more than that. Someone to love. Hmmm... okay, i guess thats all i have for now.

To ct, i am so sorry i rejected your invitation to go out with Gayathri and u today... i am really in pain... Have a good day ahead. Take care... bubbye~

:: HeLLo 2o05 ::

2005-01-01T01:08:00.000+08:00

This a beginning of a new year... so i decide to start afresh for my life... What past is past... all that had happened are already history... I even change my blog skin... this time more appropiate...

Hello 2005, i guess u will be a new chapter for my life. 2004 had been great... though i was defeated in love twice. I wish the people i care for, will have a great year too. To my ex-bfs.. hope u take care of your gf... thanks for showering me with your love... i will always remember u guys...

This time around... i have put up my new year resolution... to remind me what i have to achieve... Looking forward to it... :D
Okay its been a long day for me... Tats all from me for now... bubbye~

:: the love ::

2004-12-22T20:10:00.000+08:00

After listening to what my friend encountered really made me think. I guess this life isn't as bad as what i thought it was. Each time i am sad.. heartbroken or anything, there is someone even worst than me but is still hanging to their relationship. Sometimes, i do think that guys nowadays are a bit heartless at times. (My apologies... guys.)

It is always like this... before the guy gets the girl, he will do anything and even everything for u... but after u accepted him as your official boyfriend they will treat u as if u are nothing... and I really mean nothing... Yes... i cannot deny that they use to be so good in the past (before the girl accepts the guys as a bf). But then during the relationship, it will all be revealed.

At times i wonder... what goes on in a guy's mind. What were they thinking when they do cruel things to their gf? Are they even fit to deserve a person who really love them in the first place? The worst is when it's time to say they are sorry.... they never seem to say sorry whilst the ladies always end up saying sorry. It is like the hardest word for them to say other than saying "I love you".

When you are in the wrong and you realize it, say sorry and mean it. To you guys... it may just be a word but it actually means a lot for the ladies especially. You would not have known what happens behind the scenes in a ladies life. The guy that they love will always be in their heart and the really work hard in the relationship to make it a successful one. Yes... it's true at times we do get upset easily... me especially. If you want to know the reason why... I'll tell u(guys) why. For us to be there meeting u for a date may not be as simple as u think it is. At times, like me... I have to take day off just to go out and at times when u can cel at the last minute, u are simply killing the soul. So please, consider your gf's heart and care. Don't always think about yourself. If she is willing to spend time with u, why can't u?

Life itself is very precious. So remember to always appreciate what u have. If u want to end your life just remember this, u may not think that anyone cares for u but the actual fact is it isn't true. There a lot of other people who cares and love u for who u are. So keep this in the heart. Stay strong always.

To my friends out there, thanks for being my friend. Hope u have a great time just now at pizza hut. It's just a bit of medicine for all our broken and hurt heart. Take care u all.. Love u all.

:: life with no money ::

2004-11-29T20:06:00.000+08:00

Alright, so basically i thought how ridiculos this may seem but still there is a possibility that people might go bankrupt somehow or another if they do not manage their money properly. I am not talking about long term money saving scheme but it is true. Just imagine this...

If lets say u are earning a mere $200 in a month, set a side a quarter of the salary which will be $50, save for lets say 4 months... u have a full salary of what u earn in a month. So it will be $200 with another $200 which will be $400 easy money. He...he.. this is actually what i am planning to do with my mere salary. It is always easier said than done. But if u put in a little discipline in yourself u will achieve it. This is what i am trying to drill inside my head.

To think my younger sister is enjoying her life even without working is really making me think of resigning my job and just depend on my parents. Cruel as it may sound but this is actually true. My dad is always providing her with a lot of cash whenever she wants to go out. Her bills are all paid by my mom and this is also another source where she gets all her cash. All she needs to do is open her mouth and ask for cash. "Ridiculos!"

Me on the other hand, earning a mere $200... trying to save as much as i can, will still end up trying to survive with the cash i have. I have to pay my own mobile bills, go out with friends and sometimes even use that mere cash to spend in school. If lets say i am earning more than $500 a month, then this is of course possible. But the fact is i am not.

To compare my life now and in the past(when i was not working), i still love my life in the past. My source of income had always been my parents. So, in the past whenever we go shopping as a family... my grades will determine how i get my cash. Any As or Bs in my grades will always be rewarded. He..he... :) But now, they will always say... "U r working aren't u? So use ur own cash." PATHETIC! So now u see the reason why i always say i will consider when to resign. Only a few advantages of me working and a lot of disadvantages.

Okay i will end here. If u happen to read this... do give me your comments, i will be more than glad to hear your side of view. Thanks and have a great day ahead. I have to start preparing to go to work now. BuBbyE~

2004-11-28T21:10:00.000+08:00

gud day to my dear readers (if there is any...he..he.. :)...

My morning was extra early... woke up at 3am... dunno y... :p was tossing right n left till about 5am n fell asleep... this have been happening for quite a few days... so my sleep was not a peaceful one. Still no matter what i still have to wake up n go to work... still it is for my own i good.. i guess...discipline

Today, most of my customers seem to be very blur. They do not know wat they want to order n I had to repeat the same thing for quite a number of times before they get it into their heads. No matter how unhappy u are, u still have to sound "smiley" over the phone... after all this is customer service... no matter how wrong they are... "Customers are always right..." umm...

Alright... actually i am typing while my younger sister is reading behind my back... so i dun want to talk much... thats all from me for now... bubbye~ n have a nice day ~

Maybe a new beginning for me...

2004-10-29T23:08:00.000+08:00

Umm... i must say today was like a new beginning for me. A big slap on my face i guess. After being sick for two days i suddenly feel ALIVE again. In the morning i thought i wud not survive the day especially going back to work early at such a period of time.

Amazingly, work seemed fast today. Though not much customers, it was fun. It turned out that i was sitting beside the Cik who i met the first day i started this job. A very gentle lady i must say. Her age really doesn't show but already has 2 children. She commented that she always realize that whenever she sees me, i would always be smiling. He..he... exact words: "Adik ni, tiap kali Cik tgk asyik senyum aje..." okay... okay... dun want to say so much about that.

So finish work at 4.00pm...
Alighted at Yishun... board 171... decided to go to BP Plaza for a while... then during the journey back home i juz thought...

"Somehow or another, today didn't turn out as bad as i thought it would be. My customers were happy, people around me were happy. I guess maybe it's time i start to think for myself. First my job. Been considering to quit. Resignation letter is with me, just waiting for a proper time to submit... dunno when... Perhaps just a week before Raya would be good. After all i really feel that i need to spend more time with my family and friends. Last year's raya had been bad for me... i was always working... friends ask to go out, i had to work... SO... maybe ITS TIME. uumm.. i just don't want to wake up one day with no friends or family to spend time with and one crazy job killing me each day. Hopefully never... Insyallah.

Second and last for the time being... i just want to appreciate the people i have around me and especially for that someone special in my heart. I just wanna feel happy and grateful to have known u special and unique people. If i never known all of u, i dun think i would ever be the girl i am today. Thanks u guys and gals. Sayang u dear. Appreciate wat u have done for me."

Umm.. too much of a thought ya?... he..he... alright i'll end here for this entry. Take care and have a great day ahead. Bubbye~